Mastering the Balance

Mastering the balance between accepting life as it is and realizing that our thoughts create our reality is a life-long endeavor. Many modern-day gurus and life coaches of all stripes are quick to tell us that everything we experience we create. I’m not disputing that the essence of what they say is true, but I believe life is more complex than that. To expect to have the power to manifest everything that happens in the web of life that becomes real around us will make us either arrogant or drench us in self-loathing and guilt, or both.

Some events just are. People we love get sick or die. They lose businesses or jobs because of the economy - not their performance. They get into awful situations because of choices they make. Or they get in awful situations for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (think tragedies great and small that victimize so many). And then there are the times Mother Nature wallops some people and whole communities with her awesome power. The best we can do in such situations is find whatever strength they bring out in us—or those around us—as we seek the grace, lessons, and sometimes even blessings in them.

Growing Out of the Brokenness

What we can manifest is our own best selves. So many things in our lives aren’t much more than potential; a whole host of possibilities. And how we think about them materializes one possibility out of all that potential that exists. At such times, how we think is EVERYTHING. If we expect goodness, awesomeness, love, success, and beauty, and focus our thoughts on those possibilities then that is what we’ll manifest. If we expect more pain, failure, disappointment, loss, and rejection, and our thoughts dance with a host of What-ifs fueled by fear, then we will manifest exactly what we focus our thoughts upon.

The more our thoughts develop from our love, the more likely we create the outcome we desire. This is true whether we’re in control of the circumstances or not. How we think our thoughts is a habit. And it is also a choice day-by-day, moment-by-moment.

Loving thoughts leave little room for fear-filled thoughts. So today, as much as possible, focus your thoughts on love. Change what you can and look for the love in what you can’t.

 

Shame: Swampland of the Soul

post on May 1st, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Fear, Listening, Perception

Brene Brown is my she-ro; she has ventured deeply into the “swampland of the soul,” looked at shame straight in the eye and dared to tell us what she saw. Brown is part of a long line of women who have taught and inspired me with her knowledge and her courage. She wakes us out of our chosen slumber. And if we listen to her wisdom, it will make all of us better women and men, better human beings. She defines concepts so clearly that we can take up the challenge of addressing them in ourselves and in doing so, make the kinds of connections (to people and ideas) that make life work.

Her TED talk on vulnerability in 2010 became an internet sensation with over 9 million views on TED and another 900,000+ on YouTube. She returned to TED, a place she calls a convention of failures (but in a good way! – think about it, she’s absolutely right) in 2012 to talk about another taboo subject. In this talk Brene helps us understand shame’s essence and how it differs from guilt. She tells us how it feels the same for men and women but comes from different sources (an excellent insight for every woman who ever said she wanted her husband to be vulnerable, to not hide his emotions). She tells us that shame needs three things to exist: secrecy, silence, and judgment. And finally, she tells us that empathy is the antidote to shame.

If you’ve ever felt that you weren’t good enough or if you’ve ever heard that small voice in your head say, “who do you think you are,” if you’ve felt overwhelmed or ever feared looking weak, sit back for 20 minutes and learn a bit about “daring greatly” (the title of her most recent book).

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. Brene Brown

 

 

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A Dose of Inspiration

post on April 24th, 2013
Posted in Fear, Perception, Spirituality, Vocation

For so many years, I have been dogged by the fear that I wouldn’t live up to my potential. Since high school, I have framed it as “singing my song.” It comes from my belief that all of us have a unique “being-ness,” a unique gift that we were given to develop and share with the world.  Many of us, perhaps even most of us, are afraid of that gift, that unique expression of our true self.

Thoreau’s 19th century observation in Walden still rings true in the 21st, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”  The desperation comes from having a sense, a deep knowing, that we are more but feeling obliged to live within the confines of what society, our parents, or friends expect of us. When we do what is expected rather than singing our unique song, restlessness and desperation forever walk with us.

That is why it is so inspiring to watch someone else reach for their true self, even when they’re terrified that the true self won’t live up to expectation.  I think it’s why I love the show The Voice and clips like this one from Britain’s Got Talent. The singer doesn’t hit every note perfectly but she touches every heart (get the tissue ready . . .)

 

One reason it’s hard to be who we truly are is because we don’t see ourselves clearly.

For some time now, the Dove Corporation has had a campaign aimed at helping women and girls recognize their true beauty in all its myriad forms. In this video, they’ve hired a forensic artist to listen to a woman describe herself and then someone else describe the same woman. He never sees the woman; he draws only from the descriptions. It’s interesting, and instructive, to see the difference in the sketches. Here’s the video:

I don’t know which will come first for you, singing your song or seeing yourself as the beauty you truly are, but I hope you get to do both.

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Ancient & Modern Communication Meet: Texting Prayers

post on April 15th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Love, Meditation, Prayer, Spirituality

Every morning since October 6, 2012, I’ve been texting prayers to my cousin as she works her way through a really tough time. It hadn’t been a conscious decision to do this. It just sort of happened and the weird part about it is that it happened at a distressing point in my own spiritual life; a time when I was praying daily into an abyss. Unmoored and questioning the nature of faith itself – prayer was a conundrum for me.

Yet I continued the daily ritual and added to my cousin via text. And in the process I began to experience healing grace. For as I assured my cousin of God’s presence, God began to resurrect for me in an unfamiliar yet unmistakably God-like way. And given what I know—and more importantly what I know I don’t know—this part of my spiritual journey has become a curiosity to be observed rather than analyzed (since I can’t quite figure it out anyway), a gift to be savored.

Perhaps at some point when I’m ready to move on from observation and choose to analyze again, I will answer the questions that trouble me. But not yet. When I’m ready the question will still be here:

  • What is prayer . . . pure energy? Communication or communion with God? Sheer mystery? An action? A thought? A thought turned into reality via energy? Personal delusion? Communal hysteria?
  • What does prayer do . . . change our circumstances? Change our perception? Change us? Change the world? Bestow miracles? Engender grace?
  • What or who is God . . . Enlivening spirit? Creator of the universe? Dispenser of wishes like a great Santa-in-the-sky? Hands-off First Cause? Personal friend who hears my ranting? Pure Energy? The Center that is in all and is All?

I am no theologian. I enter into these questions as a person who from childhood was anchored by experiential faith that guided my life (yet I found no comfort in its silence in my darkest hour); a church goer who spent a lifetime of Sundays at Mass who now feels alienated and estranged from her church; a person who still cherishes the deep mystery of rituals and what they offer who senses no earthly community in which to share them.

But the ancient rituals of prayer remain and – other than love – have become my only spiritual mooring. And in familial love, I had the desire to reach out to my cousin to shine a hint of light into her darkness. Given the 1,000 miles that separate us, I decided texting was my way. So I text her prayers of love, trust, faith, and hope and one day I noticed that the light in those prayers reflected back into my darkness as well. I was texting her memories, ideas, and hopes that blossomed into my own reality.

The gift I offered her was returned to me and assures me of some sort of Divinity; one that I still call God even though I can’t define exactly what that means. The scriptures of my childhood tell me to knock and the door will be opened. My morning texts remind me that the door opens every day.

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Angels Among Us

post on April 3rd, 2013
Posted in Meditation, Perception, Prayer, Spirituality

I was half way through my early morning speed-walk and about to tackle a long hill when a white pickup truck turned the corner. I was walking in the street with cars parked on both sides so I ducked into an empty spot to let the truck pass. The truck was moving too slowly though, so I had sidled along the next parked car again by the time the truck came abreast and matched my speed. When it did I noticed a public utility logo on the door and woman behind the wheel who had thick fiery auburn hair that cascaded over her bright yellow safety vest.

She had a huge smile that reflected the joy in her voice as she playfully shouted “Mornin . . .” over the rumble of the engine straining on its slow uphill ride. She then chortled, “. . . are we having a race?” I took her cue and started to jog and she threw her head back in laughter and pressed her accelerator and said, “My speedometer is broken!” and I said back, “No, it just doesn’t register ’cause I just run too slow.” She laughed again and wished me a great morning and a good day before she said to herself, “now where do I start this morning?”

And boom, just then, I realized she was the blessing from an unspoken prayer. . . an angel with red hair.

I had started my walk rather exhausted even after a good night’s sleep. The beauty of the trees in my neighborhood and the pray-as-you-go music and reflection I was listening to had helped some. But it was the playfulness in that woman’s voice and demeanor that made me remember that life doesn’t have to be so serious.

Life is a festival of joy to be savored every day. There may be moments of darkness but joy, beauty, and wonder are still available to us if we take just a moment to look for them.

A tree on 17th Stree

A tree on 17th Stree

The woman in the truck with the hearty laugh, a woman who was kind enough to greet a stranger one cool early morning, was like an angel who reminded me not to take myself so seriously. Take a moment to play. To see beauty. To be at peace.

Before I finished my walk, I decided to stop to take a few pictures. Seriousness, work, and all the issues that needed my attention could wait just a moment more.

Savoring playfulness and beauty as a way to care for my soul is just as important as everything else that needs my attention today.

 

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Illness: It’s All in Your Head – But You’re Not Crazy, You’re Normal

post on March 20th, 2013
Posted in Health, Mind/body

What if the cause of most of the illnesses were, in large measure,were a product of our minds rather than our bodies? For most of us, that idea would make us very angry because we know what ails us in definitely in our bodies. And according to John Sarno, MD, that anger might serve to make us even sicker.

Researchers are not saying that we’re hypochondriacs who purposely think ourselves sick; it’s just that many illnesses are products of the mind before they are symptoms in the body. According to Dr. Sarno, the source of illness is unexpressed emotions that sometimes are buried deep in our subconscious. These unconscious emotions incite real, physical pain and disease in the body but the underlying cause remains in the mind. The disease, according to this view, serves to distract us in order to protect us from the repressed emotions in the mind. Uncover the emotion, the symptoms disappear.

Illness Distracts to Protect

Sarno explains in his 2007 book, The Divided Mind, that when we can’t (or don’t want to) face our fears, angers, or frustrations our bodies comply by giving us physical illnesses to get busy fixing. When we focus on the physical, we can avoid the emotional.

For example, “unacceptable” emotions like anger and rage, according to Sarno, trigger back pain but the pain is not from a slipped or herniated disc or other physical cause (as research confirms). If it were, the pain wouldn’t disappear once the emotion is acknowledged through education or talk therapy. This disc remains compromised, but pain is gone. Sarno, and others, conclude that emotions buried in the subconscious mind are the underlying cause of the back pain (and a whole host of other illnesses).

It’s All in Your Head – And That’s Normal!

Psychosomatic is a word someone who is ill hates because when your doctor can’t figure out what’s wrong and tells you it’s all in your head, it’s frustrating. Infuriating. Crazy-making.

Yet, psychosomatic illness is neither an indictment of the suffering person nor a fantasy a doctor should condescendingly ignore. For Candace Pert, PhD, psychosomatic is not a pejorative term, as it’s traditionally been in medicine ever since Sigmund Freud discovered the unconscious. Psychosomatic illness is a reality of the biology and chemistry of the body.

Pert’s work uncovered the fact that emotions create molecules that share “intimate connections with our physiology.” As a result Pert said, “I’ve come to believe that virtually all illness, if not all psychosomatic in foundation, has a definite psychosomatic component . . . It is the emotion, I have come to see, that link the mind and the body.”

Pert is no scientific lightweight. She has a PhD in pharmacology from Johns Hopkins, held a research professorship in physiology and biophysics at Georgetown’s medical school, and for thirteen years was the chief of section on brain biochemistry of the Clinical Neuroscience Branch of the National Institute of Mental Health. In her 1997 book, Molecules of Emotion, she said that our minds and our bodies are a singular interconnected system, so our emotions affect the biology, chemistry and functioning of the entire body way down at its most basic molecular level. Emotions, in the conscious and unconscious, affect every single cell and sometimes that leads to illness.

Body & Mind Act as One

It’s not that we think ourselves sick. Our bodies merely comply with the emotions in our subconscious mind to produce symptoms that deflect attention from the “dangerous” subconscious emotions. Sigmund Freud (who first spoke of the unconscious) said physical symptoms were a way neurotics punished themselves – which is why we have such a negative view of the process. Sarno disagrees with Freud saying the illness is a way to protect ourselves from the “unacceptable” or dangerous emotions. It’s normal, not neurotic.

My experiences say Sarno is right. But I also wonder if there’s more. Perhaps the emotions our subconscious minds use to create physical symptoms are really invitations, a way to get our attention, so we can heal both the body AND the emotions.

Is your bodymind using illness to invite you to healing? One way to find out is to ask your illness if it had a voice, what would it be telling you? The answer just might surprise you.

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Sending Out Love or Hate Without A Single Word

post on March 7th, 2013
Posted in Body Language, Communication, Fear, Forgiveness, Health, Love, Perception

Have you ever wondered why you are instantly attracted to, or repelled by, some people? We’ve all met people who send out “vibes” that make us want to stay close and others whose vibes make us want to run away . . . quick.

Those “vibes” have now been scientifically located and are measurable. It turns out that research by the Institute of HeartMath has found that an electromagnetic field emanating from our heart is the source. Some people really do have “good vibes” (or bad ones) that the rest of us readily feel.

The brain in your heart

We’ve long known that the heart operates through electrical impulses. EKGs (electrocardiograms) have been measuring them for decades, diagnosing or monitoring how the heart functions.

But now more sensitive instruments used by neurocardiologists have shown that the heart isn’t just merely a pump that keeps our blood flowing. It is also a complex sense organ that processes information with its own brain-like “nervous system” that learns, remembers, and makes decisions independently of the brain in our head. And our heart’s “brain” routinely communicates with the higher centers involved with processing emotions, learning, and perception in head’s brain.

The “Vibes” of emotion

But the magic doesn’t end there. The heart’s “nervous system” also communicates information within and outside the body through the heart’s powerful electromagnetic field. Researchers have been able to measure this field up to five feet away.

Why is this important? The ancients long ago posited that emotions began in the heart. But whether they begin in the heart or the brain, the heart reacts to them sending signals, chemicals, and energy not only throughout the body but beyond it too.

Positive emotions like love and compassion create rhythmic, orderly heartbeat patterns and negative emotions like anger create erratic, disordered heartbeat patterns. These differing patterns spread throughout the entire body and into the world through the heart’s electromagnetic field. This has not only health consequences but social consequences as well.

Emotions radiate out

That our emotions affect the functioning of our bodies is not new information. But that they alter our heart’s electromagnetic field in a way that affects our interactions with other people up to five feet away without any other sort of communication is kind of startling. Perhaps this is an explanation for crowd behavior.

Imagine the different behaviors generated when one person’s heart sends out ordered, rhythmic, “loving” patterns of energy that are communicated to, and synchronized with others versus the angry or fearful person’s erratic, disordered, chaotic patterns of energy.

Do you know what kind of pattern is your heart sending out? We might be able to fool the brain in our head and deny our own perception about what we’re feeling but I doubt we can fool the brain in our heart.

The energy from your heart fills the world

The emotions that fill our hearts fill our worlds. So what is in your heart? Fear, judgment, criticism, anger, and frustration? Or love, compassion, forgiveness, calm and peace? That’s what we’re spreading not only by what we say, how we look, or what we do but also through the electromagnetic field that radiates directly from “the seat of our soul” . . . our heart.

Holding the energy of each other’s hearts is an awesome responsibility. Will you do anything different today knowing that your emotions may change everything?

 

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The Secret to Happiness

post on February 27th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Forgiveness, Listening, Perception

I have long been of the opinion that the secret to happiness is managing expectations. I once read that expectations are simply anticipated disappointments. So if you want to be happy, don’t expect any one or anything to make it so. I’m not saying don’t dream but in the dreaming recognize that the only thing you can control is you. Any other control is an illusion. Circumstances (like hurricanes) happen and we can never control another person but we can always control how we perceive.

photo of a baby smiling

Natural Happiness

Expectations, when you think about it, are merely thoughts. These thoughts create the lens with which we perceive the world and how we perceive creates our reality. Switch the lens, reality changes. Change the thought, change the expectation, change reality.

This became concrete for me in my early twenties. I had spent my childhood moving from place to place, going to multiple schools in myriad states from the east coast to the west and from New England to the deep south. My dad, one of the original corporate turn-around specialists, always had new challenges to conquer. As a natural introvert, all the moving was very difficult for me and I saw it as a burden. I wanted stability. Security. A place to call home.

I eventually met a man whose family had lived in the same town for generations. This was the guy for me! Mere months before our wedding, he was accepted into the Navy’s flight school. My expectation of stability evaporated but at least in my state of newly-wedded bliss my disappointment was short-lived. It wasn’t long before I realized that the resilience and adaptability needed for military life were the very things I had learned in childhood. What I once viewed as a burden had become a strength.

I also had stumbled upon the power of changing my thoughts. With my change in perception came many other benefits, like:

  • forgiveness for the losses I’d held and stored as treasures
  • a recognition that adaptability was a skill learned only in the cauldron of change
  • a realization that place doesn’t confer stability but love does
  • the understanding that home is a state of mind not a physical location
  • the knowledge that I could recreate myself and start fresh by letting go of mistakes without anyone else around to remind me of them

What I learned is that circumstances could not define me but my choices would. I had experienced the reality of the power of my thoughts to create my life (and life continues to teach me that valuable lesson). I had found the secret to happiness.

We have so much power within us to create our own happiness. It all depends on our thoughts, our expectations, and the lens we choose to look at the world.

See how TED presenter Sean Achor learned this valuable lesson at the tender age of seven: his story involves a little sister, a fall from great heights, quick thinking, and unicorns.

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A Valentine’s Day Greeting

post on February 14th, 2013
Posted in Family, Forgiveness, Love, Prayer, Spirituality

I’m guessing that most Valentine’s Day greetings today will be from one person to another. I’d like to share what I think is a close approximation to the kind of love greeting that, if we were silent enough long enough, we might hear from our Source today.

For this greeting, I’ve taken a few liberties from the opening lines of one of my all-time favorite prayers whose authorship remains a mystery to me. I have no idea if it was written by St. Ignatius of Loyola, some other Jesuit, or Jacqueline Syrup Bergan & S. Marie Schwan the authors of the book Take & Receive: Love a Guide for Prayer (the book in which I first encountered the prayer many years ago).

If these words were in a greeting card, I imagine the scene on the card would be something beautiful in nature; a grand tree, an ocean scene, a wondrous flower, a delicate butterfly.  It would be something pastoral that would set your mind ready to hear the following words from your Creator:

Mark Groves photo of a sunset

Yaquina Head Lighthouse At Sunset by Mark Groves www.MarkGroves.us

When my love spilled over into creation, I thought of you. You are from love, of love, for love. . . May your heart always recognize, cherish, and enjoy the goodness in all creation. It is my gift . . .My love created that too . . . especially for you.

These few sentences hold all we need to live in truth and freedom. We are the physical manifestation of the Great Spirit’s overflowing love. We were created out of love and we are designed for love. The Maker of all things had a loving thought, spoke the creative word, and all that we see in the universe spilled forth from love.

When we are able to accept that truth, we can cast off fear and live out of the love that flows naturally in us. We forgive, we have patience, we trust ourselves – others – life – Spirit.

Those of lucky enough to have created a child or those who have selflessly devoted themselves to the needs of another have an approximation of this kind of love. It is powerful. Awe inspiring. Generative.

None-the-less, in our imperfect humanity, our woundedness, it is hard to remember this deep well of love that created us and flows within us and out of us. We can forget this powerful energy and fall into criticism of ourselves and others as a knee-jerk reaction to the daily struggles of human life. We often don’t take even a moment to reflect on why we’ve lost that loving feeling; we simply react out of our disappointment, impatience, failure, or anger.

But days like today remind us of the enormous healing power of love. Love heals the vagaries of life. On this one day of the year devoted solely to love, it is a good time to remember that you began as a loving thought that could not be contained.  Revel in this love and share it with anyone and everyone you meet.

Happy Valentines Day

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Values. Relationship. Conflict.

post on February 6th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Listening, Love, Perception

Values. . . we often assume we know what we mean when we bandy about terms like American values, Christian values, Progressive values, and family values. Yet the words we use to describe our values can have different meanings for different people, even the people closest to us. When values collide, conflict arises.

Since February is the month for love, it’s also a good time to reflect on how values affect the relationships closest to us as well as those in the wider community of world and work.sand heart

The relationships that tend to have the least amount of conflict are the ones in which people share not just affinity – in community/work relationships – or love – in close relationships - but similar values too.

The sign of an emotionally mature relationship is when those involved remain unthreatened and maintain love or respect even when values differ.

The thing is, we tend to assume we share values with people we like so we can feel betrayed when we find out the truth.

One stumbling block to longevity in relationships is that attraction between two people is often so powerful that discussions revealing core values can be side-stepped (or clouded in fantasy) because feelings are so strong.

While attraction is a great beginning, lasting relationships develop from the give and take necessary to keep love or respect alive in the real world.

The art of compromise

The trick to this art is compromising only that which is non-essential to the core of your being, the essence of who you are. It may be that you haven’t recently reflected deeply on what is most important to you, what is absolutely non-negotiable and what you can compromise or let go of for the sake of the relationship.

In any relationship—whether in marriage, friendship, family, community, or work—clarity about shared verses individual values reduces conflict. When you know which values you share versus the ones you individually own, you can choose to agree to disagree, or challenge, probe, or embrace eachother’s values.

Name it; own it

This short exercise will help you name what you value. Naming things makes them real and allows us to deal with them. The exercise includes a list of values, but not a comprehensive one. Feel free to add some of your own. It’s a great discussion starter. I suggest sharing it with your beloved and then discussing your similarities and differences.

Keep in mind as you complete the exercise (less than 10 minutes) that many items in the center circle—non-negotiable values— can represent a bit of inflexibility that could result in numerous conflicts. Conversely, if there are too few items in the center circle you could fall prey to the adage those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.

And when you’re deciding what is negotiable or not, remember to think of how each value plays out in the real world rather than what sounds good. For example, if both freedom and safety are values you hold dear when and how will you allow safety to trump freedom? If honesty is a non-negotiable value does that mean you say everything you believe without regard to other’s feelings?

These questions and more are likely to come up in discussions so don’t just share this with your beloved.  Share it also with friends, family members, and even coworkers.

You’ll be surprised by how much you thought was true about someone is not true at all. Treasure the journey of discovery.

Values Clarification exercise

 

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