Category Archive:Perception

Mastering the Balance

Barbara post on May 15th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Fear, Listening, Love, Meditation, Perception, Spirituality

Mastering the balance between accepting life as it is and realizing that our thoughts create our reality is a life-long endeavor. Many modern-day gurus and life coaches of all stripes are quick to tell us that everything we experience we create. I’m not disputing that the essence of what they say is true, but I believe life is more complex than that. To expect to have the power to manifest everything that happens in the web of life that becomes real around us will make us either arrogant or drench us in self-loathing and guilt, or both.

Some events just are. People we love get sick or die. They lose businesses or jobs because of the economy - not their performance. They get into awful situations because of choices they make. Or they get in awful situations for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (think tragedies great and small that victimize so many). And then there are the times Mother Nature wallops some people and whole communities with her awesome power. The best we can do in such situations is find whatever strength they bring out in us—or those around us—as we seek the grace, lessons, and sometimes even blessings in them.

Growing Out of the Brokenness

What we can manifest is our own best selves. So many things in our lives aren’t much more than potential; a whole host of possibilities. And how we think about them materializes one possibility out of all that potential that exists. At such times, how we think is EVERYTHING. If we expect goodness, awesomeness, love, success, and beauty, and focus our thoughts on those possibilities then that is what we’ll manifest. If we expect more pain, failure, disappointment, loss, and rejection, and our thoughts dance with a host of What-ifs fueled by fear, then we will manifest exactly what we focus our thoughts upon.

The more our thoughts develop from our love, the more likely we create the outcome we desire. This is true whether we’re in control of the circumstances or not. How we think our thoughts is a habit. And it is also a choice day-by-day, moment-by-moment.

Loving thoughts leave little room for fear-filled thoughts. So today, as much as possible, focus your thoughts on love. Change what you can and look for the love in what you can’t.

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Shame: Swampland of the Soul

Barbara post on May 1st, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Fear, Listening, Perception

Brene Brown is my she-ro; she has ventured deeply into the “swampland of the soul,” looked at shame straight in the eye and dared to tell us what she saw. Brown is part of a long line of women who have taught and inspired me with her knowledge and her courage. She wakes us out of our chosen slumber. And if we listen to her wisdom, it will make all of us better women and men, better human beings. She defines concepts so clearly that we can take up the challenge of addressing them in ourselves and in doing so, make the kinds of connections (to people and ideas) that make life work.

Her TED talk on vulnerability in 2010 became an internet sensation with over 9 million views on TED and another 900,000+ on YouTube. She returned to TED, a place she calls a convention of failures (but in a good way! – think about it, she’s absolutely right) in 2012 to talk about another taboo subject. In this talk Brene helps us understand shame’s essence and how it differs from guilt. She tells us how it feels the same for men and women but comes from different sources (an excellent insight for every woman who ever said she wanted her husband to be vulnerable, to not hide his emotions). She tells us that shame needs three things to exist: secrecy, silence, and judgment. And finally, she tells us that empathy is the antidote to shame.

If you’ve ever felt that you weren’t good enough or if you’ve ever heard that small voice in your head say, “who do you think you are,” if you’ve felt overwhelmed or ever feared looking weak, sit back for 20 minutes and learn a bit about “daring greatly” (the title of her most recent book).

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. Brene Brown

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A Dose of Inspiration

Barbara post on April 24th, 2013
Posted in Fear, Perception, Spirituality, Vocation

For so many years, I have been dogged by the fear that I wouldn’t live up to my potential. Since high school, I have framed it as “singing my song.” It comes from my belief that all of us have a unique “being-ness,” a unique gift that we were given to develop and share with the world. Many of us, perhaps even most of us, are afraid of that gift, that unique expression of our true self.

Thoreau’s 19th century observation in Walden still rings true in the 21st, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” The desperation comes from having a sense, a deep knowing, that we are more but feeling obliged to live within the confines of what society, our parents, or friends expect of us. When we do what is expected rather than singing our unique song, restlessness and desperation forever walk with us.

That is why it is so inspiring to watch someone else reach for their true self, even when they’re terrified that the true self won’t live up to expectation. I think it’s why I love the show The Voice and clips like this one from Britain’s Got Talent. The singer doesn’t hit every note perfectly but she touches every heart (get the tissue ready . . .)

One reason it’s hard to be who we truly are is because we don’t see ourselves clearly.

For some time now, the Dove Corporation has had a campaign aimed at helping women and girls recognize their true beauty in all its myriad forms. In this video, they’ve hired a forensic artist to listen to a woman describe herself and then someone else describe the same woman. He never sees the woman; he draws only from the descriptions. It’s interesting, and instructive, to see the difference in the sketches. Here’s the video:

I don’t know which will come first for you, singing your song or seeing yourself as the beauty you truly are, but I hope you get to do both.

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Angels Among Us

Barbara post on April 3rd, 2013
Posted in Meditation, Perception, Prayer, Spirituality

I was half way through my early morning speed-walk and about to tackle a long hill when a white pickup truck turned the corner. I was walking in the street with cars parked on both sides so I ducked into an empty spot to let the truck pass. The truck was moving too slowly though, so I had sidled along the next parked car again by the time the truck came abreast and matched my speed. When it did I noticed a public utility logo on the door and woman behind the wheel who had thick fiery auburn hair that cascaded over her bright yellow safety vest.

She had a huge smile that reflected the joy in her voice as she playfully shouted “Mornin . . .” over the rumble of the engine straining on its slow uphill ride. She then chortled, “. . . are we having a race?” I took her cue and started to jog and she threw her head back in laughter and pressed her accelerator and said, “My speedometer is broken!” and I said back, “No, it just doesn’t register ’cause I just run too slow.” She laughed again and wished me a great morning and a good day before she said to herself, “now where do I start this morning?”

And boom, just then, I realized she was the blessing from an unspoken prayer. . . an angel with red hair.

I had started my walk rather exhausted even after a good night’s sleep. The beauty of the trees in my neighborhood and the pray-as-you-go music and reflection I was listening to had helped some. But it was the playfulness in that woman’s voice and demeanor that made me remember that life doesn’t have to be so serious.

Life is a festival of joy to be savored every day. There may be moments of darkness but joy, beauty, and wonder are still available to us if we take just a moment to look for them.

A tree on 17th Stree

The woman in the truck with the hearty laugh, a woman who was kind enough to greet a stranger one cool early morning, was like an angel who reminded me not to take myself so seriously. Take a moment to play. To see beauty. To be at peace.

Before I finished my walk, I decided to stop to take a few pictures. Seriousness, work, and all the issues that needed my attention could wait just a moment more.

Savoring playfulness and beauty as a way to care for my soul is just as important as everything else that needs my attention today.

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Sending Out Love or Hate Without A Single Word

Barbara post on March 7th, 2013
Posted in Body Language, Communication, Fear, Forgiveness, Health, Love, Perception

Have you ever wondered why you are instantly attracted to, or repelled by, some people? We’ve all met people who send out “vibes” that make us want to stay close and others whose vibes make us want to run away . . . quick.

Those “vibes” have now been scientifically located and are measurable. It turns out that research by the Institute of HeartMath has found that an electromagnetic field emanating from our heart is the source. Some people really do have “good vibes” (or bad ones) that the rest of us readily feel.

The brain in your heart

We’ve long known that the heart operates through electrical impulses. EKGs (electrocardiograms) have been measuring them for decades, diagnosing or monitoring how the heart functions.

But now more sensitive instruments used by neurocardiologists have shown that the heart isn’t just merely a pump that keeps our blood flowing. It is also a complex sense organ that processes information with its own brain-like “nervous system” that learns, remembers, and makes decisions independently of the brain in our head. And our heart’s “brain” routinely communicates with the higher centers involved with processing emotions, learning, and perception in head’s brain.

The “Vibes” of emotion

But the magic doesn’t end there. The heart’s “nervous system” also communicates information within and outside the body through the heart’s powerful electromagnetic field. Researchers have been able to measure this field up to five feet away.

Why is this important? The ancients long ago posited that emotions began in the heart. But whether they begin in the heart or the brain, the heart reacts to them sending signals, chemicals, and energy not only throughout the body but beyond it too.

Positive emotions like love and compassion create rhythmic, orderly heartbeat patterns and negative emotions like anger create erratic, disordered heartbeat patterns. These differing patterns spread throughout the entire body and into the world through the heart’s electromagnetic field. This has not only health consequences but social consequences as well.

Emotions radiate out

That our emotions affect the functioning of our bodies is not new information. But that they alter our heart’s electromagnetic field in a way that affects our interactions with other people up to five feet away without any other sort of communication is kind of startling. Perhaps this is an explanation for crowd behavior.

Imagine the different behaviors generated when one person’s heart sends out ordered, rhythmic, “loving” patterns of energy that are communicated to, and synchronized with others versus the angry or fearful person’s erratic, disordered, chaotic patterns of energy.

Do you know what kind of pattern is your heart sending out? We might be able to fool the brain in our head and deny our own perception about what we’re feeling but I doubt we can fool the brain in our heart.

The energy from your heart fills the world

The emotions that fill our hearts fill our worlds. So what is in your heart? Fear, judgment, criticism, anger, and frustration? Or love, compassion, forgiveness, calm and peace? That’s what we’re spreading not only by what we say, how we look, or what we do but also through the electromagnetic field that radiates directly from “the seat of our soul” . . . our heart.

Holding the energy of each other’s hearts is an awesome responsibility. Will you do anything different today knowing that your emotions may change everything?

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The Secret to Happiness

Barbara post on February 27th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Forgiveness, Listening, Perception

I have long been of the opinion that the secret to happiness is managing expectations. I once read that expectations are simply anticipated disappointments. So if you want to be happy, don’t expect any one or anything to make it so. I’m not saying don’t dream but in the dreaming recognize that the only thing you can control is you. Any other control is an illusion. Circumstances (like hurricanes) happen and we can never control another person but we can always control how we perceive.

Natural Happiness

Expectations, when you think about it, are merely thoughts. These thoughts create the lens with which we perceive the world and how we perceive creates our reality. Switch the lens, reality changes. Change the thought, change the expectation, change reality.

This became concrete for me in my early twenties. I had spent my childhood moving from place to place, going to multiple schools in myriad states from the east coast to the west and from New England to the deep south. My dad, one of the original corporate turn-around specialists, always had new challenges to conquer. As a natural introvert, all the moving was very difficult for me and I saw it as a burden. I wanted stability. Security. A place to call home.

I eventually met a man whose family had lived in the same town for generations. This was the guy for me! Mere months before our wedding, he was accepted into the Navy’s flight school. My expectation of stability evaporated but at least in my state of newly-wedded bliss my disappointment was short-lived. It wasn’t long before I realized that the resilience and adaptability needed for military life were the very things I had learned in childhood. What I once viewed as a burden had become a strength.

I also had stumbled upon the power of changing my thoughts. With my change in perception came many other benefits, like:

forgiveness for the losses I’d held and stored as treasures
a recognition that adaptability was a skill learned only in the cauldron of change
a realization that place doesn’t confer stability but love does
the understanding that home is a state of mind not a physical location
the knowledge that I could recreate myself and start fresh by letting go of mistakes without anyone else around to remind me of them

What I learned is that circumstances could not define me but my choices would. I had experienced the reality of the power of my thoughts to create my life (and life continues to teach me that valuable lesson). I had found the secret to happiness.

We have so much power within us to create our own happiness. It all depends on our thoughts, our expectations, and the lens we choose to look at the world.

See how TED presenter Sean Achor learned this valuable lesson at the tender age of seven: his story involves a little sister, a fall from great heights, quick thinking, and unicorns.

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Values. Relationship. Conflict.

Barbara post on February 6th, 2013
Posted in Communication, Family, Listening, Love, Perception

Values. . . we often assume we know what we mean when we bandy about terms like American values, Christian values, Progressive values, and family values. Yet the words we use to describe our values can have different meanings for different people, even the people closest to us. When values collide, conflict arises.

Since February is the month for love, it’s also a good time to reflect on how values affect the relationships closest to us as well as those in the wider community of world and work.

The relationships that tend to have the least amount of conflict are the ones in which people share not just affinity – in community/work relationships – or love – in close relationships - but similar values too.

The sign of an emotionally mature relationship is when those involved remain unthreatened and maintain love or respect even when values differ.

The thing is, we tend to assume we share values with people we like so we can feel betrayed when we find out the truth.

One stumbling block to longevity in relationships is that attraction between two people is often so powerful that discussions revealing core values can be side-stepped (or clouded in fantasy) because feelings are so strong.

While attraction is a great beginning, lasting relationships develop from the give and take necessary to keep love or respect alive in the real world.

The art of compromise

The trick to this art is compromising only that which is non-essential to the core of your being, the essence of who you are. It may be that you haven’t recently reflected deeply on what is most important to you, what is absolutely non-negotiable and what you can compromise or let go of for the sake of the relationship.

In any relationship—whether in marriage, friendship, family, community, or work—clarity about shared verses individual values reduces conflict. When you know which values you share versus the ones you individually own, you can choose to agree to disagree, or challenge, probe, or embrace eachother’s values.

Name it; own it

This short exercise will help you name what you value. Naming things makes them real and allows us to deal with them. The exercise includes a list of values, but not a comprehensive one. Feel free to add some of your own. It’s a great discussion starter. I suggest sharing it with your beloved and then discussing your similarities and differences.

Keep in mind as you complete the exercise (less than 10 minutes) that many items in the center circle—non-negotiable values— can represent a bit of inflexibility that could result in numerous conflicts. Conversely, if there are too few items in the center circle you could fall prey to the adage those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.

And when you’re deciding what is negotiable or not, remember to think of how each value plays out in the real world rather than what sounds good. For example, if both freedom and safety are values you hold dear when and how will you allow safety to trump freedom? If honesty is a non-negotiable value does that mean you say everything you believe without regard to other’s feelings?

These questions and more are likely to come up in discussions so don’t just share this with your beloved. Share it also with friends, family members, and even coworkers.

You’ll be surprised by how much you thought was true about someone is not true at all. Treasure the journey of discovery.

Values Clarification exercise

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Perception, Life, Death

Barbara post on June 1st, 2012
Posted in Family, Fear, Meditation, Perception, Prayer, Spirituality

I saw this photo of a quote regarding perception and don’t know the author whose wisdom created it, but kudos to her (or him) for this insight.

Perception has been a hot topic for me this year, in the year of my grief. Though I, like everyone, have experienced many losses large and small none has affected me as much as the death of my infant granddaughter whose life passed from one realm to the next in a burst of energy in June 2011. We were blessed in being forewarned about her death and so had a few months to prepare. I foolishly thought that this preparation would guard me from the overwhelming emotions that followed her journey from the physical to the eternal; from the realm where I could touch her to the realm in which her spirit roams unshackled, free.

I have always been a person who believed in the afterlife but when Trinity died I suffered greatly wondering just WHERE she was. And though I had always had a deeply felt experience of the Divine, in this past year of my grief I could no longer feel that Presence. I could hardly feel anything at all. I was so alone. At least that is what I perceived in the short-sightedness of my pain.

So perception. What is life exactly? Does true life reside in the body or is it actually centered in the soul? Is life here or there . . . in the realm where the totality of the electromagnetic and acoustic spectrum are perceived? Are we truly here in time and space or is that just an illusion of our inadequate minds that seek to justify our physical reality as truth rather than acknowledge the vastness of what we really don’t know, can’t know, won’t know until we too move on from this plane of existence.

I’ve spent a great deal of time this year thinking about and reading about energy, healing, suffering, and staying in the present moment as I’ve struggled to make sense of the sadness of this baby’s ever-so-short life and tragic death. I can’t say that I’ve come up with an adequate answer to that so common “why” that accompanies all tragedies but I have learned that it is how we perceive any event that is the basis for our suffering. I have recognized that there is so much mystery in our physical life, in illness, in healing, and in death. I appreciate in a new way that I cannot explain the energy that enlivens my body never mind the electromagnetic spectrum, cellular emptiness, DNA, or rainbows. And that doesn’t even begin to address the real mystery of our oneness with the Divine and our power to heal through that Oneness.

What we perceive is so limited not just by our belief that we already know, but by the vastness of what there is to know. So for the first time in a lifetime of faith, I truly know that mystery trumps all that I’ve learned so far.

I acknowledge that my life exists on a fragile mysterious thread between this realm and the next. When my connection to here is gone, I will be there – not in some egocentric continuation of my current existence but in an all-encompassing Oneness with all that I cannot yet perceive.

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Category Archive:Perception

Mastering the Balance

Shame: Swampland of the Soul

A Dose of Inspiration

Angels Among Us